by David Woodward
Most couples have strain in their relationship. This is a simple, honest, straightforward fact of life. When we recognise that there is no such thing as the “perfect couple”, we can breathe a sigh of relief and get on with the job of fixing/maintaining/enhancing our own relationship.
One key to a good relationship is what is known as “Active Listening”. It is based on the premise that, “Communication is not over until both parties feel understood”. Understood, is the key word here.
We are not saying communication is not over until both parties agree with each other. Most times, that will be an impossibility. No. We are saying that communication is enhanced tremendously when both parties feel understood by the other – even if they “agree to disagree” at the end of the communication.
How is ‘active listening’ actually achieved? It happens when each partner reflects back to the other what they have heard – or rather what they think they have heard.
What is reflected back is the facts and feelings in what is being said. After these have been reflected back, the original speaker can then respond by ‘tweaking’ what has been reflected back to make sure that the original listener really has grasped the facts and feelings (or content and emotions) of what has been communicated.
It is worth remembering in all of this that the point of the exercise is not to get the listener necessarily agreeing with the speaker. Who knows if this will ever happen! The point of the exercise is to get the speaker to the place where they feel they have been understood correctly by the listener. Everyone knows what it feels like when we finally think that someone understands us!
Here’s an example. Denise and Jim have disagreed about items in the laundry. Denise: “I’m so frustrated and angry that you just peel your socks off and put them in the laundry without unravelling them. I end up having to do it. I’m so cross as I keep on telling you and it seems to make absolutely no difference whatsoever.”
Jim: “So you’re saying that you are really angry and upset with me because I don’t unravel my socks?” Denise: “Yes, you’re right about that. But also that I end up doing it.” Jim: “And you get upset because if I don’t do it, then in the end you do it.” Denise: “You’re right. I’ll do it in the end.”
In the example above, the end result of the active listening (the desired effect) is that Denise feels listened too and understood. Jim may even forget to unravel his socks again but Denise has verbalized to him how she feels about the situation and that he understands where she is coming from. She feels understood.
Obviously, if active listening is reciprocated by the other partner and it becomes a two-way means of communication, then both will feel understood. This is the ideal. Hence the premise that, “Communication is not over until both parties feel understood,” has been achieved.
Note also the use of “I” messages (rather than “You” accusations) where Denise recognises and ‘owns’ that she feels angry, frustrated, cross and upset (regardless what Jim – or anybody else – has done to cause that). An “I” message is an acknowledgment that ultimately we have to be responsible for our own feelings and actions, regardless what anyone else has done to precipitate them.
If Denise had accused Jim with a “You” message such as, “You make me so flaming angry because you never unravel your socks,” the chances are that Jim would have got defensive. Would any of us behave different when accused like this? Almost certainly the response would be aggressive and the argument would then escalate.
Does it sound like all this talk about “I” messages and active listening’ is a load of theoretical nonsense? Then go for it! Try using ‘active listening’ with your partner by reflecting back the feelings and facts of what is being said. It’s not just doing parrot talk. Rather, it is attempting to make sure your partner feels understood because you have taken the time and effort to reflect back properly what they are feeling and saying.
And if it all does go pear-shaped – and there is a full-scale argument – you can always use ‘active listening’ and “I” messages to recover. It is not too late to use them after the event – when tempers have cooled down. You can still recover some ground and make amends and let your partner feel understood.
So enjoy. And practice. And practice again. And let some of the strain, anger and tension in your relationship diminish. And after you have used it with your partner, then practice on the kids, the boss, the mother-in-law, the next door neighbour – in fact anyone whom you’d like to improve communication with!
About the Author:
This article was written by David Woodward, a qualified, experienced
counsellor in Kettering, Northants.UK. He provides
marriage counselling in Kettering, and offers a free initial consultation to enable couples to judge if counselling with him would be helpful for them. David also contributes to the local community with his voluntary work.